Friday, March 27, 2009

If only 2 organs cud talk

Dear Heart,

There is a tiny voice that told me last night I couldn't understand you anymore. You have been awfully quiet for some time now and you have been shutting me off. I can feel you, too, and it is hard for me to understand that you want to go through it alone. We used to be in the same boat struggling over the things but you moved and took a different route. I have always been at your side but this time you opt to differ. I can see your pain and I can feel it, too, not because you are the heart which makes the only one capable of feeling. I am not hard as you sometimes believe me I am. I just have to be like this for both of us, otherwise we would both drown and no one can save us anymore.
Heart, why do you keep on beating on the wrong person all the time? Aren't you tired of watching them leave you? Aren't you tired of giving your best and not get anything in return? If you're not, then I am...I am tired of giving you excuses so you wouldn't break. I am tired of saying yes when in fact it is no. I am tired of convincing you when you very well know that I am just lying to make you happy. I am tired of you, for all your broken dreams, your failed relationships and for all your unrequited love. You have so much to give to the person who can never be yours. HEART, weren't you the one who said that you are sore and wounded? So why are you staying when you can just walk away from all these pain that is consuming you? How can you take it HEART? How can you look at his eyes and not see you in his heart? How can you smile when you feel his caress and know that those touches were meant for someone else? How can you be strong when you're feeling weak and helpless? How can you possibly love someone who is in love with another girl? He was never yours to begin with so it would be impossible to have him forever... FOREVER is just a word Heart. There is no such thing as forever just goodbyes as inevitable. I have seen you so excited when he came to our lives. I was just as excited as you were. I wanted to be with the guy we both can love. But he is a dream and dreams end. Tell me, wasn't it good to have a dream everytime you feel like doing so? Like dreams, you have to wake up and face the day. It was enough that he made you feel loved. Just face the reality that someone owns his heart...pushing for it will only make another girl's heart bleed. I have seen you loved, lost, and grieved but never healed. Why Heart? What are you so afraid of? It's time to let go. I know it would be hard... I have never seen you love this way before... so unconditional... of course you have always loved unconditionally but your love for him is different because you wouldn't listen to me. You used your words against me and that makes me feel helpless. I am just hurt as you are because I can't make the pain go away. I can't help you and heal for you... you have to do it alone. You have kept your silence and its deafening. I know you are trying to fool me so I would think you are okay and that I shouldn't worry... you want me to believe that you are not in pain... remember HEART, there is a thin line that connects us and it would be difficult to deceive one and the other of what is really going on... not that is love...

Always your friend,

My Friend Reason,

Thank you for putting up with me while I go through my journey. It is like battling a demon. The battle is within me and something I feel I could not fight. You were right; I have never felt this way before. You know why I said that? It is because I allowed myself to manipulate all the other system that is within my power. I shut all the possibilities that one day, when I look back, this would be my biggest regret. I shut it because I know I would never regret. A love so true has no regrets even if you don't get what you work so hard for... in the end. That is why I disregard the idea that one day I would have to watch him leave and know that deep within me, he is never coming back. He is in deed a dream... a dream I never wish to end.
I am holding on to that dream that is why I wouldn't want to let go yet, but holding on for as long as I can doesn't mean holding on forever. I don't believe in forever neither, that is what I used to because you said there is no such thing, but he made me believe in a lot of things and one of them was we can stay this way for eternity. A moment with him is forever for me. Forever might be a word but it exists. It is a place where dreams come true... where hope did not go to oblivion; it is a place where kiss heals wounds, where embrace can take away fears, where touch can take away doubts. That is forever and I believe him because I felt it. We may not last another weeks, another months or even years, but he took me to that place where dates are mere numbers you count on to say to say that this is how long I have him for a moment and that is enough for me through this lifetime. Hopefully I can have him a little longer to lasts another lifetime. Looking back, you and I have been together in everything and I can never keep a secret from you. You are too wise to be fooled. They say wise people are poor in the matters of the heart. I wish to erase that clich�. It is not true that I choose to beat for wrong people. I just do. You should know better that my beating is involuntary. If I could be held within the palm of the hand, then it could be a lot easier not to give any explanation. But I can't be and this makes us human so I keep my feet on the ground... the ground by feeling and hurting. You don't have to make any excuses for me anymore or or to lie to me... because regardless of the tears and pain, I am happy. You asked me how can I take it... it is about loving without expecting to be loved back. I may say one thing but mean another...but when I say I love him... I really do. Love is not blind. It is only by the people who hoped to have more when they already have everything... it is about taking everything including those you hope to take away. I don't have to see myself in his eyes just as long as he sees himself in mine. I don't have to frown when I know his smiles weren't mine just as long as I am smiling because of him and he knows it. I am weak and might be helpless but how many weak and helpless have felt what I am feeling? It is a bliss that no word can contain. To define is to limit the feeling so I just enjoy it. I have loved, lost, and grieved, and yes I haven't healed because I don't want to heal. Healing is as good as forgetting and I wouldn't want to forget. I have moved on the dealt of life equally well despite my handicap so I don't need to heal and forget. Before I end, I want to tell you something you still probably wouldn't understand but I know in time you would come to see it as I did. Love is not getting what you have not even getting what you deserve. It is getting nothing and somehow getting everything. If you see it the way I did, you wouldn't ask anymore and still be wise. Perhaps if you can see again through the same eyes we used to look at before through the same window. Maybe they would say we are the first to break the clich�...


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